Smirting and the benefits of Scotland's smoking ban

Smirting - an unexpected and delightful benefit of the smoking ban in Scotland

As happy scenes like the one on the left become a thing of the past for the unhappy smokers of Scotland, it is with great delight that they welcome a new, unexpected trend taking over the streets and doorways of our towns. Smirting, (the combination of smoking and flirting) has suddenly made those super-rapid outdoor puffs all the more bearable. Yep, butt-littered doorways, wind-whipped corners and damp, dingy 'designated smoking areas' have become the place to be. Forget about sitting inside the pub, outside is where it's all taking off. In fact non smokers say they are feeling so left out of the action they've actually started social smoking, just so they can smirt with the genuine smokers. (These fake smirters are easy to spot - they never have a fag or a light!) Folk are caving in to peer pressure all over towns and cities, joining the smoking crowd and joining in with the smirting fun. And while people in the pubs and clubs have commented on a clearer, brighter atmosphere due to the lack of hazy smoke clouds, they are also reporting that pubs seem strangely empty and devout of 'real' atmosphere inside. Of course it can all be found on the outside, and with the Scottish summer finally kicking in, the smirting trend is only set to increase. Pubs and clubs intend on taking advantage of the (slightly) warmer weather and providing seated areas where they can to make the whole smirting experience as pleasant as possible.

If the smirting effect really snowballs, the Scottish Executive could start to see the offical number of smokers rise, or certainly remain the same, as it has done in Ireland, where smirting first originated. Fellow celts suffered the same lab-rat treatment as us Scots from the government but it seems this experiment may be happily backfiring. Sure it's keeping the do-gooders happy and everyone is generally in agreement that a smokeless pub is healthier. But there is a down side to this fresh, free atmosphere - a whole range of scents previously masked by cig smoke are sneakily coming up for air. Scores of toxic smells are emerging, to irriate smokers and non-smokers alike. Throat-tickling perfumes, nose-nipping colognes, in a wide range of varieties. More potent is the dreaded body sweat - eye-watering, occasionly tear-inducing and also appearing in a wide range of varieties. Perhaps people will actually start paying the bored bathroom attendants who sell deodrant at a £1 a skoosh, safeguarding the old hope it's not me worry. And with morning/night-before breath joining this lively mix, perhaps even the sale of minty gum will increase, a trend ony previously noticed when amphetimeans first became popular. Now not only speed freaks need take out shares in Wrigleys Extra, anyone who previosly thought a hoaching, smoky pub would mask the smell of their unbrushed breath should also probably invest.

So pros and cons all round then. Unexpected benefits popping up all over the place, who would have thought it! With summer and smirting to look forward to, smokers of Scotland rejoice - our world no longer seems like the bleak, rights-surpressed, government controlled nanny-state that it actually is! Hooray for smirting! A saviour to all flirting smokers everywhere.

Oh dear girls, don't you know the fun is all going on outside the bars now, not inside? And since when did law breaking become something to jest about? Tsk tsk! (The above photo is a representation of a rapid way to be ejected from a club/public house. We do NOT recommend it. We DO however, recommend smirting - hoorah!) Pic is of me and my sis, taken upstairs in Yuppies bar, Dundee BEFORE the smoking ban was in force, I might add!!!